G is for Grief

I firstly want to apologise for the delay in this blog, this has been one I’ve been meaning to sit down and write but I have not been able to stomach it, given it is the time of year where grief has affected my mental health, and it just so happened that this was the Letter I was up to.

They say grief comes in stages, according to the NHS website (www.nhs.uk), it starts with anxiety and helplessness, then anger, sadness and acceptance. I do think this is true, but I also believe people experience things in different, for example some people may feel the anger, but other mays not.

I have known people in my life who have died, but grief didn’t really hit me until my Nana died three years ago. I had overwhelming feelings of panic and sadness. My Nan was like a parent to me, my Dad wasn’t around so she helped raise me, along with my mum, so essentially, she was one of my role models, as well as a parent, and losing her was so hard.

My first feelings were anxiety and sadness, when she was admitted to the hospital my heart broke, a large part of me wanted to hope, and hold on to that hope that she would recover and come out, but I knew it was highly likely that wasn’t going to be the case. The day she died I collapsed on the floor, my Step dad called me to tell me, and I knew immediately why he was calling, as I had two missed calls from him which in any other circumstance, is unusual. I was in floods of tears; my emotions were on overdrive. I didn’t know who to talk to, me and my boyfriend has argued in the days leading up, so I couldn’t get hold of him, and I didn’t want to burden my mum with her emotions as I knew she would have been broken too. So, I sat in work and composed myself, my boss bought me a cup of coffee and I calmed down enough to drive to town to see my boyfriend.

At this point I had decided not to see my nan in hospital, as I found it too hard. After another coffee with my boyfriend (now husband) I went to the hospital. Still to this very day, I don’t know how I feel about, I don’t know if I made the right choice going to see her, it still haunts me.

After the funeral, when the panic was calming, I was hit with a sudden sense of guilt, which threw me back into depression. I thought of all the times I should have gone to see her after work, all the times I said I was busy but just wanted to stay in. I now realise I took for granted all our small conversations about silly nothings, and the stories she would repeat word for word. My biggest regret is not going to the hospital the day she was admitted, as that was the last day she spoke properly, by the time I got there the next day she was sleeping most of the time and couldn’t talk. It scares me that I don’t remember what her voice sounds like, I remember how she looked, and smelt and felt but I can’t remember her voice, and I wish I had a video recording of voicemail so that I could remember.

This is my experience with grief, and I wanted to write about grief, because it can have a life changing impact on your mental health, for me it triggered me back into depression and panic, but I know for others it can trigger anger and sadness. For me it was the panic of knowing that she was no longer there, that I couldn’t just drive down to her house and see her, because I would be greeted with strangers who now live in her house, and I still feel like that now. I still cry often thinking about her, but I wanted to share my story because I wanted to let people know, that no matter how generic this sounds, it does get better. I think about the good memories and how much we laughed and enjoyed our time together. I still get sad from time to time, and more than anything I wish she was at my wedding, but I know she would have been looking down.

Grief hits people in many ways, but like anything talking about it always help, and this is my therapy, putting this into words helps. This time of year can be hard for anyone who has lost someone, it’s a time where you can miss their presence and their company. To help me cope I try to focus on the good times, and I like to display pictures of her and watch movies that remind me of her, to keep her memories alive.

Thank you for taking the time to read todays blog. I apologise if this has been a tad incoherent, as it was difficult to write down, but I wanted to share this with others who may have gone through the same, and although the pain will always be there, it gets easier to cope with.

I will be back in the new year to continue with my A-Z of mental Health, where I hope to update this page every fortnight.

Until then Merry Christmas and a Happy new year xxx

 

C is for CBT

B is for Beginning

Hello, and welcome back. I wanted to stat this blog, where you start most things …the beginning.

I always had anxiety, but I guess I didn’t realise it, I always associated it with being nervous, which I thought was normal. It wasn’t until after a failed relationship that I started to get more and more symptoms and this is also when I started to have panic attacks.

The main reason and trigger behind my disorder is the failed relationship and that is what I’m going to talk about, which is hard for me as it was a horrible time in my life and it brings up a lot of negative feelings., but its not all bad as I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

So down to the details… this relationship started when I was 17, so I was young, not that I am old now, but I was still studying and I had only had 1 boyfriend before then. This particular relationship starte off well, he was romantic and he treated me well for the first year of our relationship. We fought like any other couple does, we had out rows and we were both in the wrong, and it seemed normal. Until one day, one argument turns violent, I can’t remember what we were arguing about, but I remember him pushing me into the door so hard that a cut my upper arm and bruised it all, at the time we made up, he told me it was an accident and it woul only happen once, and I believed him, I was wrong. As the months passed, he moved out of his parents and I stayed at his house a lot, I cooked, cleaned and washed his clothes, and we’d have long periods of being fine, so every time another ‘accident’ happened I’d let it go, and I believe he was going to change. This is where my anxiety started, I would flinch whenever people touched me or came too close, I would hate being in busy places on my own, and I would hate  confrontation, but around him I put on the brave face and I smiled through it.

There as one occasion, on my 18th birthday, where we ha gone to a Taylor Swift concert and I asked if he could get me a drink, as it was busy and it made me feel nervous, we then had a massive row, to the point where at the end of the concert, we left straight away, argued all the way home and when he dropped me off he said he would leave me, despite me doing nothing wrong, and for some reason in my head, I thought I was better with him than without, so I begged him, I stood in front of the car begging, so desperately, and he just drove off.

He took  back a day later, but things only got worse, the violence got worse, what started out as pushing, turning into punches and then one day he had me on the floor banging me head off it, somehow I stayed for another year, until it got to the point where I had no emotion left, other than panic, and I left, I packed everything I could find and I told him it was over and I drove home. He followed me and sat outside my house, this time begging me to stay, but that was the moment I decided to take a stand and although it hurt I never looked back.

People ask why I didn’t leave sooner, but anxiety was part of it, it was the anxious feeling of not wanting to be alone, because he took my youth, and my self confidence, he made me believe that I would be alone forever. Ever since I left my panic has got worse, I struggled for a long time trying to find myself again, I still to this day 6 years later strtuggling in busy places, and panicking if someone touches me, and that is something that I ill always struggling with.

I will leave this story here, because frankly he does not deserve anymore of my thought, or anymore of my words, he knows what he did wrong and he lost me because of it, and he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. What I will say is, as I said earlier, I believe everything happens for a reason, although I live with a panic and anxiety disorder because of him, I also realise that if I han’t of gone through that, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life, who I am now married to, but that is a story for another day.

PLease come back next week when I discuss the letter C

 

 

The A- Z of Mental Health

Hello,

I wanted to start this blog to talk about my mental health issues, because I feel now, more than ever, it is so important to share out experience and coping mechanisms.

I suffer with Anxiety, and although a lot of people suffer with a ‘normal’ level of anxiety in their daily lives, mine was triggered by a series of events. So what was once normal developed into a severe panic disorder, which lead to many more issues and mental health problems, which affect my day to day life.

In these blogs I will talk about my journey, and my journey is far from done. I suffer everyday with my illness, but I cope, and that is because of the people I choose to surround myself with but also because of what I have learned through therapy and through reading.

I will also talk about my triggers and talk about specific things which lead me here, and events that I struggle with.

I won’t go into all the details on this first post, this is just my introduction to you all, but please come along for the journey, share your experience and talk about mental health, because it may be considered an ‘invisible’ illness, but to me it’s not, I can see it, I can feel it….and I know it is there, and you are not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton