What does home mean to you? Is it a place of comfort where you spend time with your family, where you feel safe and secure, or is it a place filled with misery and loneliness? Who says it must be one or the other? Can it be both? Can you be happy and lonely in the same place?
Today I want to talk about home, I wanted to discuss how it has both hindered and helped my mental health, and hopefully help others who may struggle. Up until I was 25 I had always lived with my parents, I did this because it brought a level of security and safety that I needed, especially when my anxiety was at its worst, but living at my family home wasn’t easy either, and that’s what I’m going to talk about first, but I also want to talk about my home comforts, from my favourite Primark home buys to my binge watching of Grey’s anatomy.
FAMILY HOME
I lived with my Mum, Step Dad and sister for most of my time at the family home, and the first anxiety inducing experience was sharing a room. I had always shared a room with my older sister, but the older we got, the more we got on each other’s nerves. My sister was a clean freak, she liked everything organised and put away and clean, and in retaliation to that I was incredibly messy, I didn’t like to put my clothes away and I didn’t like to make my bed, which caused many arguments. These arguments would turn into fights, which eventually made me anxious about going into my own room out of fear it would cause another argument, and being the youngest I always felt like my sister was trying to mother me (which I understand now, she was trying to look out for me, but I didn’t like it at the time). Once she moved things got easier, and we don’t argue nearly as much. Another situation which I loather was all the arguments I had with my parents, whether it was about money, or how clean my room was, or how I didn’t do enough around the house, these arguments would always get loud and emotional, and because of my issues with loudness and shouting, I would always burst into tears, I felt like my parents didn’t understand my anxiety, and whenever I got emotional, or tried to leave the situation I would be told to stop or to stop being silly and stop running away, but they just didn’t understand that I needed to, it was the only way to stop a panic attack.
Other than the relationships in the house, other things also triggered my anxiety, whether it be people moving about the house, knocks on the door, or the phone ringing, mostly because of the sense of unknown, the idea of not knowing who would be on the other end of the line or being the door. I also hated living in a cul-de-sac, because we had cars constantly driving past to turn around and a lot of people stopping which again, sense of unknown, made me panic. The thing that affected me the most was the pipes, when people are in the house, it didn’t bother me, but when I was alone and it was quiet you could hear the pipes creaking, and it always made me panic because it sounded like movement, and I always thought someone had broken in. There were times, when I would go around the house with the dogs, and a frying pan in hand to check the entire house, and I couldn’t rest until I had done it. Now this may all sound silly to some, but I have an irrational fear of someone being in the house, uninvited, that I don’t know. It would keep me awake for hours. I did find some ways to help, which I’ll talk about in a moment.
Married home
As I mentioned I lived with my parent until I was 25, and now I live with my Husband in our home together. I won’t repeat myself, but most of the above still made me anxious in my current home, expect now we live on a main road, so lots more cars. The thing in my current home that makes me anxious is the fact my parents aren’t there, and I only feel this when my Husband is out on a night out, or at his parents, and the reason I feel this is because for 25 years of my life, my parents were my security blanket, and don’t get me wrong, when my Husband is home I have no worries or anxieties as I feel protected, but when he is out I miss having other people in the house to make me feel safe, and the comfort of knowing that when he is not there, I used to be able to go downstairs and my parents were. Other than that, I do feel safe and secure around my Husband, he locks up every night to make sure we’re safe and he makes sure to come check on me if he is in another room, which I appreciate.
Home Comforts
Now to end on the positives. Whenever I feel or felt anxious at home I have a few things that help me focus and calm myself and I’m going to run through these a list form.
- Firstly, my biggest home comfort is my Blanket, and I know you may be thinking at 27 I don’t need a blanket, but it helps…a lot. The current blanket I use is my harry potter velvet quilted blanket from Primark (Pictured), it is the most comfortable blanket I have ever owned. It is thick enough to keep you warm and cosy, without being overly big so that you can’t store it, it cost me £20, but it was worth it. (unfortunately, I don’t think they stock them anymore but there are a few on eBay) The reason this helps me is because when I am under it I feel calm and it soothes my anxiety.
- Secondly, is my dressing gown, again from Primark (Pictured), this is not sponsored by the way, I just love the harry potter collection. This dressing own reminds me of a robe, it’s like velvet and it is cosy, and because it is thin I don’t get overly warm in it. The reason this helps is when I wear it, like the blanket, it helps soothe me, and calm my nerves.
- Next up is Books, I love to sit in bed or on the chair and read a book, I love getting lost in a story and this helps distract me from my panic. I have a very active imagination, so when I read I love to pretend I am the lead character, and I am living their story. I am ready Wicked now, and I am in love (I have also seen he show a couple of times:))
Lastly, and the most used home comfort is my television. I love nothing more than distracting myself with a good film or a series, when I’m feeling low I love to put a Disney film on or I love to watch a series from start to finish. I am currently watching Grey’s anatomy for the 100th time on Sky, however they are about to expire so I may need to purchase the DVD’s again (Disks were lost in the move) When I do this, like ready I get lost in the stories and imagine what it would be like to be in it.
I know sometimes it can feel like there is nowhere to go when home life is bad, but using these home comforts, or making some of your own can really help. Make your bedroom into a safe place, fill it with Joy and happiness if you can, and this can help.
So as this post come to an end, I will answer my own question, I believe home can be a haven and a nightmare at times, but that is life, I feel we wouldn’t know what good is unless we had some bad.
Thank for Reading.
Next week ….I for Insecurities, where I will talk about the battle I have with myself every day, and how I have tried to overcome it.
A-Z of Mental Health 
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