azmentalhealth

I is for insecurities


Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
Do you see someone skinny or much bigger?
Are you looking at your true beautiful self?
or do you see your inner demons fighting themselves?
 
what do you hear when they whisper?
do you think they laugh and snigger?
Or are they talking about themselves
sharing their own insecurities with their friends?
 
Insecurities are not our friends!
they alienate us and make us not love ourselves
when you look in the mirror tonight
see who you really are, beautiful inside and out
and when you fear what people say,
Ignore them and tell yourself today is going to be okay
 

Today I am going to talk about Insecurities. The inner demons we have inside ourselves telling us we’re not good enough, and how it affects mental health. I want to talk about what insecurities I have and how it has affected my relationships, my social life and my day to day life and what I think of myself.

insecurity/noun

  1. 1. uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.”she had a deep sense of insecurity”synonyms:lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-doubt, diffidence, unassertiveness, humility, humbleness, meekness, timidity, timidness, timorousness, uncertainty, nervousness, hesitancy, inhibition, self-consciousness; More
  2. 2. the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.”growing job insecurity”synonyms:unstable, unsecured, loose, rickety, rocky, wobbly, shaky, unsteady, precarious;

(obtained from google.com)

Wordcloud

Insecurity has multiple meaning, as per the above google dictionary description, it can be literal, meaning something is unstable or unsecured, but it can also mean something more figuratively, such as a feeling, or low self-confidence. The thing I find interesting is that the literal definition has some connotations that can cross over into the figurative. For example, I find that unstable, unsecure and shaky are all good words to describe the mental health implications of Insecure, at least they do personally for me, I find that when I am having a panic attack, I feel very unstable, which in turn makes me feel insecure.

So, the question is what does insecure mean for you? Personally, I feel every word in the dictionary can have different interpretations, depending on multiple factors such as; how it is said, the pitch and tone, or how it is used in a sentence, whether it is used positivity, negatively or without emotion, and this applies more than ever to insecure. The things I feel insecure about and the things you feel insure about could be opposites, or they could be similar, but never the same. The reason I believe this, is because as people we are all different from the way we look, the way we talk, our personalities and the way we act, no two people are the same. So, it makes sense that all our insecurities are different, but they make us who we are and we can either embrace them and fight our inner demons or we can succumb to them and let them win.

My Insecurities and how I learned to cope

I have a lot of insecurities, some which I have held onto since I was young, some that developed because of relationships and others because of my anxiety and panic disorder. when I started this blog, I said I would share my experiences so I am going to talk about my biggest insecurities in more detail, and I am going to talk about how I cope and embrace them, but I am also going to talk about how some of them have control over me and I’m still trying to find ways to fight them. 

WEIGHT

My biggest insecurity recently has been weight, I used to look in the mirror and hate what I saw, family members would make underhand comments about how big I was getting, or that I look so different to how I used to look when I was a size 10, and it made me hate myself. I hated going clothes shopping and trying stuff on because I never knew what size I was going to be. I felt this way for a long time and it is only recently I decided enough was enough, I didn’t want to hate myself anymore, I wanted to look in the mirror and love myself, I didn’t want to panic about my health either. So, on the 1st January I joined WW (weight watchers) and I have lost 1stone and 3 pounds in five weeks, and I am incredibly proud of myself, it’s given me a new lease on life and I am finally able to fight those weight demons and feel good about myself.

LOOKS

My next big insecurity is the way I look (regardless of weight, as I thought this back at size 10), for a long time I didn’t consider myself to be a ‘pretty girl’ all throughout my education, I felt like I didn’t fit in and the boys at school never ‘fancied’ me, and I always thought that was because of the way I looked. I never wore a lot of makeup, and I never straightened my hair and styled it, other than a pony tail. As I got older, I realised that I’m not ‘Ugly’ and that I am beautiful in my own way, and I now have an amazing husband who tells me I’m beautiful every day. The way I embraced this insecurity is by having confidence in who I am, and knowing that I can’t change that, and I know that not everyone is going to like me, but if I like me I will be okay.

Mental Health and the way people perceive me

The last Insecurity I want to talk about, is difficult for me, because I’ve not yet found a way to embrace this side of me. My biggest insecurity and fear is when people see me having a panic attack or when my anxiety is triggered, I’m worried they will think I am crazy, which is a trigger works for me, it makes me feel uncomfortable even typing it. When I have an attack or I am triggered I tend to fidget a lot, or I will talk to myself and rock back a forth, to calm myself, and in my head, I have an irrational fear that people won’t understand and they will think negatively of me and look down on me, and this come from a place where mental health is still taboo. People are more accepting and understanding of mental health, but for some reason I still can’t shake this fear, but I am trying.

Overall, I feel that insecurities are part of who we are, but they can be detrimental to people who suffer with mental health, as normal insecurities can be heightened and they can be triggering. I believe, personally, the best coping mechanism is to try and tell yourself that you are who you are, and learning to love yourself can be powerful and healing. As I’ve said everyone’s insecurities are different, and we are all individuals and I feel that if we stopped putting other people down and picking at other insecurities, the world would be a more accepting place, a s cheesy as that sounds, and if we put the effort into being confident in who we are, and loving ourselves, any negativity that we do hear will wash off us, like ‘water off a ducks back’ (Jinx Monsoon, Ru Paul’s Drag Race)

Thank you for ready this week, I really appreciate that you are letting me speak about mental health. Next time I will be doing ‘J is for Justification’

H is for Home

 

What does home mean to you? Is it a place of comfort where you spend time with your family, where you feel safe and secure, or is it a place filled with misery and loneliness? Who says it must be one or the other? Can it be both? Can you be happy and lonely in the same place?

 

Today I want to talk about home, I wanted to discuss how it has both hindered and helped my mental health, and hopefully help others who may struggle. Up until I was 25 I had always lived with my parents, I did this because it brought a level of security and safety that I needed, especially when my anxiety was at its worst, but living at my family home wasn’t easy either, and that’s what I’m going to talk about first, but I also want to talk about my home comforts, from my favourite Primark home buys to my binge watching of Grey’s anatomy. 

 

FAMILY HOME


I lived with my Mum, Step Dad and sister for most of my time at the family home, and the first anxiety inducing experience was sharing a room. I had always shared a room with my older sister, but the older we got, the more we got on each other’s nerves. My sister was a clean freak, she liked everything organised and put away and clean, and in retaliation to that I was incredibly messy, I didn’t like to put my clothes away and I didn’t like to make my bed, which caused many arguments. These arguments would turn into fights, which eventually made me anxious about going into my own room out of fear it would cause another argument, and being the youngest I always felt like my sister was trying to mother me (which I understand now, she was trying to look out for me, but I didn’t like it at the time). Once she moved things got easier, and we don’t argue nearly as much. Another situation which I loather was all the arguments I had with my parents, whether it was about money, or how clean my room was, or how I didn’t do enough around the house, these arguments would always get loud and emotional, and because of my issues with loudness and shouting, I would always burst into tears, I felt like my parents didn’t understand my anxiety, and whenever I got emotional, or tried to leave the situation I would be told to stop or to stop being silly and stop running away, but they just didn’t understand that I needed to, it was the only way to stop a panic attack.

Other than the relationships in the house, other things also triggered my anxiety, whether it be people moving about the house, knocks on the door, or the phone ringing, mostly because of the sense of unknown, the idea of not knowing who would be on the other end of the line or being the door. I also hated living in a cul-de-sac, because we had cars constantly driving past to turn around and a lot of people stopping which again, sense of unknown, made me panic. The thing that affected me the most was the pipes, when people are in the house, it didn’t bother me, but when I was alone and it was quiet you could hear the pipes creaking, and it always made me panic because it sounded like movement, and I always thought someone had broken in. There were times, when I would go around the house with the dogs, and a frying pan in hand to check the entire house, and I couldn’t rest until I had done it. Now this may all sound silly to some, but I have an irrational fear of someone being in the house, uninvited, that I don’t know. It would keep me awake for hours. I did find some ways to help, which I’ll talk about in a moment.


 

Married home

As I mentioned I lived with my parent until I was 25, and now I live with my Husband in our home together. I won’t repeat myself, but most of the above still made me anxious in my current home, expect now we live on a main road, so lots more cars. The thing in my current home that makes me anxious is the fact my parents aren’t there, and I only feel this when my Husband is out on a night out, or at his parents, and the reason I feel this is because for 25 years of my life, my parents were my security blanket, and don’t get me wrong, when my Husband is home I have no worries or anxieties as I feel protected, but when he is out I miss having other people in the house to make me feel safe, and the comfort of knowing that when he is not there, I used to be able to go downstairs and my parents were. Other than that, I do feel safe and secure around my Husband, he locks up every night to make sure we’re safe and he makes sure to come check on me if he is in another room, which I appreciate.


 

Home Comforts


Now to end on the positives.  Whenever I feel or felt anxious at home I have a few things that help me focus and calm myself and I’m going to run through these a list form.

 

  • Firstly, my biggest home comfort is my Blanket, and I know you may be thinking at 27 I don’t need a blanket, but it helps…a lot. The current blanket I use is my harry potter velvet quilted blanket from Primark (Pictured), it is the most comfortable blanket I have ever owned. It is thick enough to keep you warm and cosy, without being overly big so that you can’t store it, it cost me £20, but it was worth it. (unfortunately, I don’t think they stock them anymore but there are a few on eBay) The reason this helps me is because when I am under it I feel calm and it soothes my anxiety.

  • Secondly, is my dressing gown, again from Primark (Pictured), this is not sponsored by the way, I just love the harry potter collection. This dressing own reminds me of a robe, it’s like velvet and it is cosy, and because it is thin I don’t get overly warm in it. The reason this helps is when I wear it, like the blanket, it helps soothe me, and calm my nerves. 
  • Next up is Books, I love to sit in bed or on the chair and read a book, I love getting lost in a story and this helps distract me from my panic. I have a very active imagination, so when I read I love to pretend I am the lead character, and I am living their story. I am ready Wicked now, and I am in love (I have also seen he show a couple of times:))
Next is my love of art, I love to doodle and make things,i also love to colour and  I love finding new things to craft or a new hobby to start, I’m currently into making things with clay, this helps keep my hands busy and stops one of my symptoms of anxiety which is scratching. 

Lastly, and the most used home comfort is my television. I love nothing more than distracting myself with a good film or a series, when I’m feeling low I love to put a Disney film on or I love to watch a series from start to finish.  I am currently watching Grey’s anatomy for the 100th time on Sky, however they are about to expire so I may need to purchase the DVD’s again (Disks were lost in the move) When I do this, like ready I get lost in the stories and imagine what it would be like to be in it. 

 

I know sometimes it can feel like there is nowhere to go when home life is bad, but using these home comforts, or making some of your own can really help. Make your bedroom into a safe place, fill it with Joy and happiness if you can, and this can help.

So as this post come to an end, I will answer my own question, I believe home can be a haven and a nightmare at times, but that is life, I feel we wouldn’t know what good is unless we had some bad. 

 

Thank for Reading.

 

 

Next week ….I for Insecurities, where I will talk about the battle I have with myself every day, and how I have tried to overcome it.